It was a sweet thing to be in church today. There is something about worshipping God in the midst of trial that is sweeter than any other time. At a certain point in the service one of our pastors encouraged us by saying, "Whether you're in a season of trial or a season of blessing...God is faithful". At least I think that's what he said. I was struck half way through his sentence by this profound and shouting thought: What if your season of trial IS a season of blessing? What if they go hand in hand? Because, honestly, right now I feel so blessed -- not even in spite of our trial, but moreso BECAUSE of our trial.
It has been a long time since I felt 'close' to God. These past few years have been marked by distance and dryness and struggle in my faith. And that is partly why I feared that God would bring me a trial. To humble me with pain, that I would return to him. But God is not like that. At least not in the sense that He would punish me with circumstances for the sake of humility. And not in the sense that He would punish me at all. My punishment has already been taken care of by Jesus -- and what God is after in all of this is not my obligatory obedience, but my heart.... my affection... my understanding of His love for me. He loves me enough to come after me when I run away in arrogance. I don't deserve that! God of the universe could be doing a lot of other things with His time than pursuing a stubborn, self-reliant runaway. But instead He has taken the time to create this beautiful season of "trial blessing" just for me.
He has given me this new season as a GIFT-- a gift that has come in a 1 lb 8 oz package of mercy. Yes, I am humbled. But it is more by the Love and Nearness of God, my Father, than the sting of the circumstance in which I find myself. The question, "Why would God do this to me?" is running through my mind-- but not in the way one might think. It's really more "Why would He be so kind? Why would He love me enough to chase me down through a helpless premature baby, just to tell me He loves me?" Cuz that's how it feels. He is only after my good and His glory. There is nothing senseless about this. The only thing that doesn't make sense is how much He cares for those who don't deserve His care! He could have sent this trial and left me to wallow in it, hopeless. But because I am His child, bought with a price I could never pay, He brings the wound only to bind it up, while showing me my need for Him. And because He is only Good, and never malicious or manipulative, He is revealing to me what I've needed to see all along: That He loves me because He loves me...because...He is Love.
And whether He leaves Kyren here, or takes him Home, this season of "trial blessing" will be a time in my life I will never forget-- for the Lord has shown mercy to more than just my son's heart this week-- He's shown it in mine.
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4 comments:
And, Melissa, by sharing the gift of faith God has blessed you with, you enable the faith of all who read your blog. Thank you and God bless.
PRAISE GOD, Meliss! Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing and turning our eyes to the Good Shepherd.
Wow Melissa! I'm moved to tears to see how thru this trial, you're giving glory to our Maker and you are in turn sharing your deepest hurts and hopes with us, the reader. Not only are YOU drawing closer to Jesus through all of this, but you are challenging US to do the same. AWESOME! You are just where Jesus wants you... snuggled on His lap receiving His indescribable love and support that only He can give. I am sooo EAGER to see how He blesses you through this!! Just now imagining The Lord molding and shaping Kryen into all that He wants him to be... believing for continued miracles for this little guy!
Love,
Katie (Kelly's sis)
Amen, Melissa, Amen!!
I will never forget the time when we were saying goodbye to my dad. That was a very separate "experience" than what you are going thru now. But the very real presence of God is the same. The last 3 weeks were very profound...my dad was not scared for he knew he would be in the presence of his Lord very soon, sooner than the rest of us. He spent his time celebrating his love for Jesus and read over and over every day multiple passages in the Bible about Jesus and Heaven and what it might be like. My dad was an incredible witness to those who came in contact with him in those last weeks, from the nurses who took care of him to friends and family. He was so excited! It truly felt like we were all in the Lord's presence. I will never forget that morning that dad passed on. I felt like I was peering into a window of Heaven.
You are witnessing before your eyes the Lord's presence in your life, his love, his blessing. I never looked at our miscarriages as a curse from above. Although very sad, they were what they were, but they made my faith that much stronger, knowing God had a plan for us although He hadn't revealed that yet. I still had no idea if we'd even be able to have kids of our own, maybe that wasn't His plan. But instead, He gave us this gift of another pregnancy perhaps because He wanted us to be patient and faithful until His will be done.
You are in the presence of the Lord as He works miracles in your little boy's body. How awesome and moving! The Lord has a plan for you and David and your new little boy. I know you will cherish these moments for the rest of your life and what an amazing testimony it is to others!
Hang in there, you're doing great!
Steph
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