the 11th hour.

literally.
it's 11pm.
on December 31, 2012.
and as usual i feel unready for a year to be over.
unready to meet a new one.
like i'm in a dream, running late to meet a blind date while simultaneously breaking up with my old one.
not sure how to act. what to say. who/what/how it'll be.
should i introduce myself?
should i say some kind of formal goodbye to this year? this year that's given me 365 days of its time? i feel like i'm just turning on it, without time to really reflect, say thanks, or sum up what it has meant to me. can we still be friends? or is this it? done. over. gone forever.
call me dramatic, but this is how it feels, every year.
Since having kids we haven't gone out and celebrated or made a big deal about staying up til 12. We're usually asleep by now. (one of us already is)
But earlier, as we were trying to recount our year, month by month, we got to about March and couldn't think of anything significant-- so we came here... and started skimming through blog posts. It was so fun! And made me wish I'd recorded more. My entries were so few and far between. I know sooo much more happened from week to week-- so many more cute sayings by cute boys, so many more lessons learned, conversations had, moments celebrated, shared, forgotten. But the ones here are so precious. Just to see the boys grow and change over 12 months' time-- incredible! The most shocking thing of all that we came across? Kyren's first sentence was in FEBRUARY of this year! It is UNREAL how far he's come since then. He is a completely different kid! SO grown up. SO not the baby he started this year as.
I was also surprised at the things i did NOT blog about. Like Christian's 4th birthday-- the whole Charlotte's Web theme-- the excitement he had about turning 4-- the cake,etc that all got dreamed up just days before! Guess it was a busy month.

And so it goes...

And so it ends....

And begins again....
And is really just another day...
No need for introductions. Resolutions. Goodbyes. Regrets...
Only the need to stay in the present-- enjoy the blessings of the moment-- stay thankful for the little things-- focus on the Important-- learn to trust more, fear less, love genuinely, and give selflessly.

... and blog a whole lot more often...!

traditions.

We don't have a ton of Christmas traditions yet.

But this is one the boys remembered from last year and were excited about doing again.

Daddy reads the Christmas Story from the Bible and the boys act it out with the Nativity Set.

Then we opened the last door on the Advent Calendar, to reveal the baby Jesus magnet, and place him in the stable, to complete the scene. Then they opened and shut all the doors, for fun.

Time for bed, little ones! 

Santa's on his way!

go smell it on the mountain.

Our boys being boys-- turning sacred music into silliness. 

Fortunately they behaved themselves (mostly) during the church service at their school...

They got to sit together, which was simply adorable.
And they actually stayed pretty quiet during the long, boring parts of the service.
C kept turning around to look at me, nodding his head and smiling in agreement when i'd put my finger up to my mouth. 

once it was time to get on stage, K seemed to be more interested in playing with the decor than singing.
C was definitely into it. 

K snapped to attention after each song, when the congregation was applauding.
He joined in.

at one point he made eye contact with me, sitting on the floor next to the front pew, taking pics.
He gave me the biggest grin, and as if he couldn't help himself, came down off the stage and gave me a hug, right in the middle of the song.
Be still my mama's heart!
He then returned to his spot, and shot me this look.

I wish I could have taken it all in, rather than snapping so many pics... but I wanted to be able to remember it all too. Like when we went to watch them this summer at their VBS performance and forgot the camera! I'll never forget that moment in time either. Their cuteness. Their excitement. Their first moments in the sun. :)
So thankful for this time in their lives! So many firsts-- and all so sweet and innocent. I hope they look back on it that way too.
... through silly little boy eyes.

home for christmas.

We were so excited that Nina was finally coming home--and just in time for Christmas!

We got to see the trains at Maris Grove, and visit with Rory too! 

The boys loved seeing her uniform, and even getting to try some of it on. 

We wish she could stay for longer, but were thankful to spend some time together. 

(we wish) not a creature was stirring.

It's been a more than a month of man vs. mouse in our house.
And it's getting a little ridiculous.
We couldn't figure out why they wouldn't go for anything (cheese, pb, attractant gel) we put in the multiple types of traps we so carefully set out. How could they resist such goodies?
Then one day I found this:

the entire bag EMPTY. not even a shiny wrapper.
merry christmas, dave.
i was SO angry!

 At some point our dishwasher died. Removing the insulation they'd so craftily used to build their mouse house underneath, we found several chewed thru wires, and the grossest nastiness ever.
the upside? we got a new dishwasher for christmas... and it's the first magnetic surface we've ever had-- so now we can actually use these as they were intended:

this message was written for me by my first born, who is figuring out how to spell.
he added all of our "favorite" numbers at the end.
perhaps he could be a license plate designer.
thanks for the new dishwasher, mice. it is good for my self esteem.

just need to find those "i's".
perhaps the mice took them too--

my little elf

Christian the Elf wanted to help me wrap presents during K's naptime. 

I gave him the job of writing Daddy's initials on the snowman wrapping paper. 

He was so excited. 

But a little tentative.

 So he ran and got his LeapFrog thingy, which teaches him how to write letters:

He practiced each letter before he wrote it.

And he got so into it, he started thinking of other peoples' initials he could include on the package... 

I wasn't about to stop him. 

may you always be so enthusiastic and creative when it comes to writing!

today.

when it happened on friday i couldn't let it in.
i thought if i ignored it, it wouldn't affect me and i could just go on with my life.
i have enough fear of bad things happening to my family. i didn't think i could stand it... to go there. . . to have any more reasons.
not just another tragedy. not just another shooting.
the worst ever.

children.
at christmas.

nope.
no way.
no thank you.
don't need to comprehend that right now.
no details.
no news.
no interest.

til we walked into church yesterday...and started singing.
Christmas carols.
and all i could think of was the pain. the sorrow. the grief. that will never go away. and will haunt them forever, returning at Christmas for the rest of their lives.
unspeakable sorrow.
There was acknowledgement and prayer, and words of comfort for the grieving.
But in contrast, our sermon was on the wise men falling down and worshipping {with exceeding joy} at the feet of Jesus... a small child.
....God clothed in flesh, who had already given up everything to live among men. and would one day be crowned with thorns in mockery, yet rise triumphantly to his rightful throne. one who would relate to us in our suffering, die a human death, in order to beat death, that all who believe might never truly know the darkness of dying.
As we sang both before and after the sermon, I wept for those who were gathering that morning in sorrow, singing perhaps those same lyrics, unable to fathom the hopes and fears of all the years being met in Him now.
As the service closed we were invited to fall to our knees before our King, if we felt led. and i did, seeking forgiveness for hardening my heart to the realities of those who need to be touched by the only One who can comfort them. The once small child, the one who entered our reality, King of the universe, who knows their suffering inside and out.  Who is holding their children now, as they behold the wonder we can only imagine.
I spent the rest of the day in a bit of a stupor, allowing myself to read as much as i could, to take it in, and to look at their faces. I wept at the individual stories, of both spectrums of horror and shock, heroism and relief. Alternately glancing up to watch my own vibrant little ones laughing, playing, and living.  Letting the tears come and go. Snuggling them with purpose, and looking deep into their eyes, re-memorizing their every feature.
And this morning i woke up different. Wanting to be with them, play with them, enjoy what they enjoy.  
We went to the post office, walked along the train tracks and gazed at the big engine and oil cars (for a lot longer than we normally would), did whatever they wanted, got lollipops for each of us, spontaneously went out for lunch (something i've never done with them...ever). I listened to them, laughed at them, watched my tone when correcting them, and consciously lived in the moment. i appreciated them, rather than viewing them as i often subconsciously do: as a given, an appendage, a duty, and in my most selfish moments, an annoyance.
They, along with my husband, are my greatest gifts. They are treasures. They are indispensable, irreplaceable, and they are precious. How easy it is to take them (and this time of their lives) for granted.  How quickly these days will pass, however many there are left, and these moments will be gone forever.
Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to go there, to enter in, even just a tiny bit. That I might taste of another's sorrow, and doing so gain clarity of all the blessings of today.  May your Sovereignty and Love protect my heart from fear and anxiety about tomorrow. And should I wake up then to find my own world turned upside down (or ripped to shreds), may I be able to say that I enjoyed the gift of today while it was still today.

we don't get out much.

Tonight we did something we've never done.

We went to the King of Prussia Mall as a family. 

Most people who were there with their kids were there to see santa. 

Our kids were much more interested in the Manequins (which Kyren called "Skeletons"), mirrors, and escalators. 

They ran down every ramp, and tried to climb on, in, and through every bench, clothes rack, and any other stationary object they saw. They thought everything was so amazing. Every light, every kiosk, every person.  We went to 5 Guys for dinner, and trying to explain to Christian the concept of a "food court" was just one of the hilarious conversations we had. He pointed to a girl standing in line and said, "Mom, do you think that's a 'teenage girl'?" ...as if she were some kind of exhibit. Like in a museum. 

They were so beside themselves with excitement, it was hard to convince them to leave. 

I only had my junky phone camera, but i had to get a few shots of the fun, to preserve the memories. 

It was an all-around successful trip. 

And an all-around full-hearted day for this Mama.

probably the only people in Nordstrom doing this.

he looked up at us and said, "tunnel?"
in unison we both yelled, "NO!!!!"

watch out, ladies! he's a smooth talker.

this picture pretty much sums up how fast their childhood is going to go.
it makes my heart ache just to look at it...wishing i could freeze every moment in time like this.

i love them so much!!

getting clean

With the onset of colder weather (well, before the warm snap this week), we were enjoying fires in the fireplace once again-- the boys love helping daddy build them, and a couple of times we've even had s'mores. (sans chocolate... but they don't need to know that that's an ingredient).  

one evening as we were removing the fireplace screen in order to roast our mallows, "Doggy" suddenly flew past our heads and directly INto the fire! i grabbed him before he burst into flames, Thank Goodness! But he was slightly singed on his head and ear. We had a good "teachable moment" out of it, and agreed that throwing our toys near the fireplace was never going to be a good idea. A few minutes later we found this -- 

After a trip thru the washer and dryer (to get the excess soap out of his fur, and believe me there was excess)... there was weeping and gnashing of teeth over the fact that Doggy's head and ear were still a little, shall we say, crispy.  And when I say weeping, I mean full-blown, wailing, sobbing meltdown of all meltdowns. Seizing another teachable moment, in my super-wise maternal fashion, I calmly tried to explain that this was something that, although permanent, did not change how cute, cuddly and wonderfully fun is Doggy. I reminded him that Doc McStuffins still loves her animals even when they're sick or hurt. I showed him the scar on my hand and bravely told him how i got a burn when i was little, and my Mommy and Daddy didn't stop loving me. It didn't change how they felt about me, and God even used it for something good. It helped me learn my left from right. I launched into the whole detailed, exciting adventure of it all, trying to draw it out long enough for him to calm down and get his wits about him. And just when he looked like he was really grasping the idea of compassion and love for all creatures despite imperfections, and I was about to pat myself on my back for being so quick with the life lesson application/smoothing over of drama... 

he burst into tears and sobbed adamantly, "But I'm STILL never gonna love Doggy forever!!!" 

um...ok.

So i fed him some lunch, and put Doggy out of sight for a while. 

That seemed to be more what he needed. 

And while he may not have been as effected as I wanted him to be... I was. 

This was another reminder that I have no control over my children's hearts. I can sew seeds of love and seize teachable moments, provide contexts for learning valuable lessons, but I cannot create compassion and love, let alone genuineness, integrity, or conviction in their hearts.  

I can't make them good.

I think about the concept that "the good in me is only there because of who You are". And it rings true in my own heart once again-- that I did not save my own soul. 

Someone else did. 

Someone else took my heart of stone and gave me a heart of flesh. 

Someone else created in me the desire to love others. 

To have compassion on the helpless. 

To forgive those who wrong me.

I never would have genuinely desired these things on my own. 

 And He taught me by example.

 He loved me in my own unloveliness. 

He had compassion on me in my helplessness. 

He forgave me for an infinite list of wrongs. 

He washed away the ashes and soot of my life, 

and loves me despite my remaining scars. 

Only He can do this. 

Only He would want to.

Because only He is Love.

Praying for your heart, little one, that you would soon come to realize that no matter how hard you scrub, you need Someone Else to truly make you clean.

beginning to look a lot like christmas

We didn't have to wait long to get into the Christmas spirit. 

11/27, I sent the boys to school in the drizzling rain.

When maddy and i went to pick them up, there was snow at school (but none at home, a few miles away)!

So we made sure to enjoy it before we got in the car!

throwing a snowball at the camera. 

wiping off the slide, to practice throwing snowballs at the other stuff.

 We decided after the chaos of cutting down our own tree last year, which turned out to be a less than impressive tree, to opt for Home Depot. Quick and painless, and much more fun for these guys.

"It's TALL!"

making sure the tree stays on the roof.

helping to decorate.

making sure the tree will fit here.

reading the polar express to usher in the season!

It was so fun to watch the boys get into hanging ornaments this year. They hung them all around the bottom branches, and had no qualms about the rest of the tree not being evenly decorated.  Not sure why i forgot to take a picture of this... but it was precious! We got out our Advent Calendar, which we got from Grampy last Christmas, and they were much more into it (and understanding about only opening one door per day) than they were a year ago. But they were most excited to set up their "big train" underneath the tree. . . completing the Christmas scene and ringing in the season with joy and wonder.