after a few days of feeling minimal contractions and no bleeding, i was hoping the scariness was behind us. but last evening both started up again, and after being monitored and poked and prodded at Paoli Hosp., i was taken by ambulance transport to Lankenau Hosp., where there are more specialists and a better NICU, should we need them. It was a scary night, as i began to bleed more heavily during the transport, and wasn't sure if i might be leaking amniotic fluid. fortunately, i was not. but no one could officially tell me that, as the doctor on call was not supposed to be in til early this morning. my contractions became more intense, with a slightly higher level of pain a little after we arrived. my emotions were all over the place, and dave, who was going to try to get some sleep at home, came right in (a good 45 min. hike). neither of us slept too much, between contractions, monitoring, waiting for the doc, and just waiting in general... my mind went to many different things. what it would be like to give birth to about a 1 lb baby, the fact that we don't have a name picked out, the fact that he is so happy and healthy just being where he is right now, and how his world could be about to change without notice into one of discomfort, fear and suffering. that was the worst thought of all, and in the still darkness of the night, i cried out to God...
i began to think (of all things) what i wanted to write on my facebook status. the phrase "clinging to Hope" came to mind... and as i thought about what Hope is, and what exactly we place our Hope in during this time, the verse popped into my mind, "so fix your eyes (Hope) not on what is seen but on what is unseen. for what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal." (2 cor 4:17-18...had to look that one up). i was reminded of how this little baby is an eternal being who already has an eternal plan for his life. any possible circumstance we could imagine COULD happen. but our hope is not in whether or not the best of those come true. It is in the Big One who decides what is best for His little ones. and this gave me great peace. i still hoped and prayed that God would allow our son to stay put for now-- but as dave held my hand through my tears and prayed for all of us, i was able to let it go, realign my eyes to that which i cannot see, and rest a little. the contractions seemed to lessen as the morning wore on. and the bleeding did a little bit too.
the doctor finally showed up this morning around 8am. we were told he'd be here around 3 or 4am. it felt like a long time to wait (esp. w/o anything to eat since dinner last night). he was very reassuring and laid back. he basically does not know the root cause of the bleeding and contractions, or if they're even necessarily related. he's not concerned about the amount or intensity of either at this point. he said the blood could be coming from the placenta, and my uterus could just be trying to push it out. (i like that theory a lot!). or it could be coming from my cervix, which we're pretty sure is dilating a little bit on the inside, but not the outside (PTL). right now he's not too concerned that i'm going into preterm labor. i might. or i might not. there is still a chance i can go full term! but the fact that i am bleeding does automatically put me at a higher risk for preterm delivery. when or how that might happen is completely a guess. there is one test they can do, if i stop bleeding, that checks for a certain protein that the placenta releases when labor is imminent. if the test comes back negative, my chances of delivering in the next couple of weeks diminishes to less than a couple percent! however, it's very easy, if there is still bleeding present, to get a false positive--something we def. do NOT want! the plan for now is to rest today and tomorrow, here, and hope that the bleeding stops enough to perform that test, as well as an ultrasound to take a look at the placenta and cervix again. through all of this the baby's heartbeat is strong and consistent, and he is swimming all over the place. the doctors and nurses at both hospitals keep commenting on how active he is. hopefully he realizes how much more fun and active it is to be on the inside, and stays put.
it's nice to have a laptop on my lunch tray. it's a whole lot more satisfying than the lunch that is sitting next to it. i guess i traded great food at Paoli for great care here. i guess that's worth it :).
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