And that's.......Okay!

I can't believe it's been over a year. Life has a way of getting beyond your control (an understatement, huh?). A year older doesn't always mean a year wiser, but in your case, my dear sweet friend, this year's gained you a decade or two of wisdom. It is simple and lovely and sweet to my spirit. As the song says, "There's somethin 'bout just being with you, when I leave, I feel like I've been near God. . ." ... and that hasn't changed. If anything, it's deepened, intensified, and sweetened-- and all the more in light of this separation .
You've awakened in me the beauty of connecting soul to soul again, and the need to be me no matter how far i've roamed. There is nothing more refreshing than 'being where you are' and being told you're Okay. You're loved. You're allowed to be you. You don't have to spend your life trying to be where you are not; someone you're not; for people who are all trying to be somewhere or someone who they are not.
Thank you for this gift. For loving me for me, and not wanting me to change to please anyone or to fit into a mold. Thank you for getting it. For sharing it. For just being you.
Thank you for making cherished memories once again through coffee, cameras, and car chats. I have not had much to say lately, and your gentle inquiry has given me validity again. A place to start. Food for thought. (And thank you for not apologizing too many times for speaking your heart to mine. ) :) Just loving people where they are, not always having an answer or advice, can be the greatest gift of all.
And you're right. There is something about truly enjoying the things that make you happy that stirs up life from within. . . that can be an act of worship. Finding your self doesn't have to be selfish. We've been set free for freedom's sake. To be who we were always meant to be. Individual and unique... recreated for the glory of God. And just because you may not feel it all the time, Truth remains true. Love remains stronger than death. Faithful in my straying. Perservering harder than my stubborn will. It's so different from our love. It's so not conditional. . . And It's never swum the deepest ocean, but It's walked upon the raging sea. It's never climbed the highest mountain, but It's walked the hill of Calvary. And just to be with you, He's done everything...

Thank you for reminding me! I needed that. (and that's...Okay!)

Here's to a whole New Year!!!

What Child is this?

Baby Boy Brown is alive and kickin! At 21 weeks he is becoming more and more active in the afternoon and evenings, and is even starting to flip and twirl for his daddy. last night we ate ice cream and watched a movie -- and suddenly there was a tumbling/summersaulting feeling in my belly... stronger than i've previously felt...almost like a flopping fish (only, flopping in circles). . . and then another... i put my hand on my belly and felt the third one from the inside AND the outside! i grabbed dave's hand and hoped for one more-- which, a few seconds later, there was...! It was the miraculous, indescribable moment i've been waiting and waiting for--and yet it just seemed so.... normal...
sometimes i feel like that is how life is. . . you wait and wait for the big moments, and when they happen in real time, they just don't carry the weight you think they will. or they're just not as earth-shattering, mind-blowing, or fulfilling as you dreamed they'd be. or, in the case of the first real "kick", it's not enough. even though it was amazing, it happened so fast. can't we hit "instant replay" or rewind? i just want to feel it again, just once more, so i can have time to truly experience the moment and the feeling... but alas, it has come and gone.
i want to live life pondering the moments in time -- both great and small-- even as they pass by at alarming (or not-so-enthralling) speed. i'm not sure how to do this-- and yet i desperately want to learn.
i watched the movie Juno the other day, and tears filled my eyes when she gave birth, as it began to dawn on my maternal instinct that i would be in that incredibly indescribable, emotion-wrought 'position' approximately 4 months from now. i wonder if that moment will be the one that seems the most profound (like you hear people talk about their most memorable life moment), or if it too will seem strange and fleeting; ungraspable, monumental, yet natural, and too overwhelming to stop and take in.
life is not a movie you get to watch and soak in from the outside. it's not a book that gives you detailed descriptions of feelings and thoughts. it simply IS, and there is no stopping it... kind of like the one growing inside of me. beyond my control. beautiful and complex. profound, yet natural and normal.
the mystery of this child, presently so unknown by us, yet intimately known by God, is a growing, flailing testimony to the fact that life is worth the ride-- and the striving to ponder, dwell in the moment, and soak it all in-- is not just a skill to be learned-- it's a gift to be opened, again and again.