As I try to watch this through someone else's eyes, I imagine that it might seem rather pitiful. But in our eyes it is a beautiful moment of bonding with this little pumpkin that we barely know, yet love more and more each day. We consider it a fabulous gift every time we get to peer into the soul of this fragile little creature we call our son! A gift that only lasts for a few moments... but warms our hearts more than we can describe.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Halloween Handyman
every handyman needs a toolbox for treats
Trick Or Treat
you guys need anything fixed?
A treat for the hungry handyman
he can also tune your piano...
Our Little Pumpkin...
sportin his pumpkin hat from Mrs. F
his very own lil' jackolantern
some perspective pics
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Kyren 2.0
Our little sport has reached the 2 lb mark! I was hoping to write about this yesterday when it actually happened-- as of today he's up to 2.2 lbs!-- but i never got around to it. Been a little busy the past few days trying to catch up on sleep and figure out what to prioritize and what to leave for later. Nevertheless we are so encouraged by his daily weight gain, and continued ability to tolerate the feeds. They also have him on HMF (Human Milk Fortifier) just to help bulk him up with some extra calories. Seems to be doing the trick! Our main prayer now is for his lungs to also grow big and strong enough to begin breathing with the C-PAP rather than the Ventilator. It's just going to take some time. But if this steady weight gain continues, he'll be on the road to breathing on his own before we know it! Just keep praying against infection and any other respiratory complication...
We did get to see him last evening, as well as meet with a good friend/counselor to talk about our post-traumatic trauma. Then we went to my parents' to watch the 1st game of the world series and ended up (trying) to sleep there rather than go home in the dark of night....i didn't feel quite ready to do that. Christian had already gone to bed there, but happened to wake up right before we were all turning in for the night. Unfortunately this encounter really screwed up his night, and he was up every few minutes until 2:45am crying for Mommy. Why me? :) Why can't they ever wake up in the night crying for Daddy, who doesn't have to get up every few hours in addition to the 'every few minutes'? Not fun. I also never realized how noisy my parents' house is at night (sump pump, heat turning on and off, toilet running, dog walking around the halls trying to shepherd everyone...). So much for getting a better night's sleep!
Fortunately we didn't have to go anywhere or do anything today-- and i am again reminded of how blessed we are to have dave home during this time. Today he was able to keep Christian occupied while I took a nap in my own bed. I only wish I weren't such a slave to the pump. I could have slept a lot longer. Just keep telling myself it's worth every minute of lost sleep! My baby's gaining weight from this sacrifice of love, and it's only for a season. And thank God it's going well, and my supply is increasing rather than decreasing, as i've heard can happen to some women. And thanks to my awesome sis, Kelly (and Medela), i am now Freestylin'! Soooo much better than the others!!
(Note: I am being vague for the sake of any uncomfortable people who may not be so keen on reading about such a personal issue... it's just that, once you've given birth and nothing is sacred any more, you don't really seem to care who reads about your breastmilk)
We love you Baby Boy-- Keep on growing strong!!
We did get to see him last evening, as well as meet with a good friend/counselor to talk about our post-traumatic trauma. Then we went to my parents' to watch the 1st game of the world series and ended up (trying) to sleep there rather than go home in the dark of night....i didn't feel quite ready to do that. Christian had already gone to bed there, but happened to wake up right before we were all turning in for the night. Unfortunately this encounter really screwed up his night, and he was up every few minutes until 2:45am crying for Mommy. Why me? :) Why can't they ever wake up in the night crying for Daddy, who doesn't have to get up every few hours in addition to the 'every few minutes'? Not fun. I also never realized how noisy my parents' house is at night (sump pump, heat turning on and off, toilet running, dog walking around the halls trying to shepherd everyone...). So much for getting a better night's sleep!
Fortunately we didn't have to go anywhere or do anything today-- and i am again reminded of how blessed we are to have dave home during this time. Today he was able to keep Christian occupied while I took a nap in my own bed. I only wish I weren't such a slave to the pump. I could have slept a lot longer. Just keep telling myself it's worth every minute of lost sleep! My baby's gaining weight from this sacrifice of love, and it's only for a season. And thank God it's going well, and my supply is increasing rather than decreasing, as i've heard can happen to some women. And thanks to my awesome sis, Kelly (and Medela), i am now Freestylin'! Soooo much better than the others!!
(Note: I am being vague for the sake of any uncomfortable people who may not be so keen on reading about such a personal issue... it's just that, once you've given birth and nothing is sacred any more, you don't really seem to care who reads about your breastmilk)
We love you Baby Boy-- Keep on growing strong!!
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
post traumatic trauma
Just when we were starting to get past the trauma of our second son's early arrival, into the groove of our new "adventure", and beginning to feel somewhat rested... we were awakened this morning at 4:45 by an intruder in our home. The great news is that no one was harmed and nothing was taken, and we are feeling God's protection on our family. The bad news is that this counts as another traumatic event in our lives. And it turns out that trauma, no matter how it takes its form, is really exhausting. I just tried to take a nap for the second time today, and my body wouldn't let me. I woke up from what little sleep I did get, completely weak, all the way down to my toes.
I am reminded of several things-- 1. My weakness (physically, emotionally, etc...) is evidence of my need for God's Strength. 2. God's Strength is beyond sufficient for my weakness. 3. We're really learning what that means!
Not to overspiritualize things, but I really do feel that God is keeping us safe in His Strong Arms... and that it's ok to be weak as we trust Him to keep us in His Strong Arms no matter what comes our way. Though this incident has truly touched at the core of my fears, I just keep thinking of all of the ways He prepared us for and protected us through this trauma.... including using my fears to drive us to have a conversation last night on our way home from visiting Kyren, about what we would do if we ever found ourselves in a situation where someone was in our house in the middle of the night! I said that fear would paralyze me... Dave said that fear gives him adrenaline-- that he would get his Louisville Slugger (which he just brought up from the basement earlier this week and placed by his side of the bed!!) and defend our home... while i called 911. So when this scenario actually played out a few hours later (!), that is exactly what we did. It freaks me out, and brings me to my knees before a Sovereign God, who knew exactly what was coming, and graciously gave us the tools (via my fears) to do what needed to be done. Not many intruders have the courtesy to come into your house and turn on your lights so you can see them snooping around your livingroom, from the bedroom. But this one did! And while I only have a small view of the livingroom from where i sleep (the way our bed is positioned, and when our bedroom door is open) it was enough to see him walk across to the couch and look in Dave's jacket... which Dave had the courtesy to leave on the couch.
God gave Dave the clarity of mind to sneak up on the guy with his bat, but rather than strike him, yelled, and the guy bolted down the basement stairs and out the door. We consider this a major gift of mercy, both to us and the intruder -- as anything could have transpired in those moments. Neither of us saw his face, which is a really nice post-traumatic plus, even though it doesn't help the police. And though he got away without consequence, we pray that this event would somehow turn this man's heart toward God.
As for my fear of intruders? Well, I'm not sure how I'll sleep tonight, or this week, or perhaps for a long time, but I feel like this was the best possible intruder experience we could have had! We did what we had to do; and while it was terrifying, it was surely a LOT better than it could have been. We were spared from harm, our children are safe and sound, our possessions are still ours, and we get to go on living our lives. As we consider the alternative, we are challenged to think deeply once again about what it is that we are truly living FOR. As happy and thankful as we are to have our home and all of our stuff, and especially our precious children (Oh Lord, thank you!!!!!), we are most thankful tonight for the Hope we have in Jesus. And I'm not just saying that because it's the good Christian thing to say. Because He beat death and rose the Victor, we know our future is secure, our true home is in Heaven, and NOTHING can separate us from His Love!!! "For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8)
There is no security system worthy of such trust and hope!
There is no dead-bolted door that can keep us safer than this promise.
.... though we WILL begin locking ours from now on.... :)
And there is no trauma that is not able to be conquered through trust and time...
I am reminded of several things-- 1. My weakness (physically, emotionally, etc...) is evidence of my need for God's Strength. 2. God's Strength is beyond sufficient for my weakness. 3. We're really learning what that means!
Not to overspiritualize things, but I really do feel that God is keeping us safe in His Strong Arms... and that it's ok to be weak as we trust Him to keep us in His Strong Arms no matter what comes our way. Though this incident has truly touched at the core of my fears, I just keep thinking of all of the ways He prepared us for and protected us through this trauma.... including using my fears to drive us to have a conversation last night on our way home from visiting Kyren, about what we would do if we ever found ourselves in a situation where someone was in our house in the middle of the night! I said that fear would paralyze me... Dave said that fear gives him adrenaline-- that he would get his Louisville Slugger (which he just brought up from the basement earlier this week and placed by his side of the bed!!) and defend our home... while i called 911. So when this scenario actually played out a few hours later (!), that is exactly what we did. It freaks me out, and brings me to my knees before a Sovereign God, who knew exactly what was coming, and graciously gave us the tools (via my fears) to do what needed to be done. Not many intruders have the courtesy to come into your house and turn on your lights so you can see them snooping around your livingroom, from the bedroom. But this one did! And while I only have a small view of the livingroom from where i sleep (the way our bed is positioned, and when our bedroom door is open) it was enough to see him walk across to the couch and look in Dave's jacket... which Dave had the courtesy to leave on the couch.
God gave Dave the clarity of mind to sneak up on the guy with his bat, but rather than strike him, yelled, and the guy bolted down the basement stairs and out the door. We consider this a major gift of mercy, both to us and the intruder -- as anything could have transpired in those moments. Neither of us saw his face, which is a really nice post-traumatic plus, even though it doesn't help the police. And though he got away without consequence, we pray that this event would somehow turn this man's heart toward God.
As for my fear of intruders? Well, I'm not sure how I'll sleep tonight, or this week, or perhaps for a long time, but I feel like this was the best possible intruder experience we could have had! We did what we had to do; and while it was terrifying, it was surely a LOT better than it could have been. We were spared from harm, our children are safe and sound, our possessions are still ours, and we get to go on living our lives. As we consider the alternative, we are challenged to think deeply once again about what it is that we are truly living FOR. As happy and thankful as we are to have our home and all of our stuff, and especially our precious children (Oh Lord, thank you!!!!!), we are most thankful tonight for the Hope we have in Jesus. And I'm not just saying that because it's the good Christian thing to say. Because He beat death and rose the Victor, we know our future is secure, our true home is in Heaven, and NOTHING can separate us from His Love!!! "For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8)
There is no security system worthy of such trust and hope!
There is no dead-bolted door that can keep us safer than this promise.
.... though we WILL begin locking ours from now on.... :)
And there is no trauma that is not able to be conquered through trust and time...
Monday, October 26, 2009
minimal news is good news
i haven't had a lot to report lately-- which we're counting as a good thing! Kyren is steadily (albeit slowly) gaining ounces, as his milk intake increases (he's up to 20mL per feeding). He isn't 2lbs yet, but we're hoping by next week he'll hit that mark. Not that that's a huge achievement, but it might make us feel like he's hit some kind of small milestone. He's been doing rather well, aside from some e-coli in his trachea, which is being treated preemptively with i.v. antibiotics. We are still hoping and praying that as he and his little lungs grow and mature, he'll be able to get that ventilator out of his trachea/lungs, and be free from the threats that imposes. I got to hold him for the third time the other night, and it was really sweet. Every time the nurse or doctor would talk too "loudly" or adjust his wires and tubes, his levels would drop as if he were distressed or annoyed. When they stopped, his levels would rise back up. They said that he didn't like them fussing with him, and he was much happier just being left alone with Mommy. Whether or not that's true, it made me feel good. They still remark every time we're there at how feisty he is.
Christian is marveling us with his daily absorbency of vocab. and his emerging creativity. He's taken to dragging his blanket(s) around the house and falling down on them (accidentally and on purpose) in the hallway for a snuggle. yesterday, as he was delighting in the fuzzy cuddle-bility of "Red Blanky", he buried his face in it and started gently shaking his head back and forth, saying, "ugga mugga", which is the term we use for affectionately rubbing noses/Eskimo Kisses (coined by Mister Rogers' Lady Aberlin in the Land of Make Believe). I love how his imagination is already taking off, but his sensitive side is also developing. This morning he was reading to himself out of his favorite "Frank the Firefighter" book, and he got to the part where the girl has a 'bump' on her head that Frank helped bandage/make 'all better'. he stood up, walked over to the kitchen cabinet closest to him, bumped his own head against it, went back to the book, bent over and put his head on the page and said, "Frank...Kiss...". When i reacted with 'awwww's', he then walked over to his other 'best friend', the big yellow Tonka loader, bent over, put his head against it, and said "Loader...Kiss". Nothin like a firefighter and a loader to make a little boy's head feel better. Not to stereotype, but i'm pretty sure i've never seen a little girl run to a construction vehicle for comfort. he cracks us up! Can't wait till both our boys are able to run around together...
Thursday, October 22, 2009
hexxy
Christian likes to make up nicknames for things and people. Sometimes he says "Poppy-da" or "Pops" (for you-know-who). Sometimes he calls Dave "Dad-doo". Once in a while, I get "Mommy-na". And we all know about "Mumba". (btw, we got him a little push-mower, and today he called it "push-mumba").
He learned his shapes recently using the shape sorter toy-- the classic red and blue ellipse with the yellow handles at both ends. He decided to call the star "Sah-zee", the pentagon "Penty" and the hexagon "Hexxy". So over the past month or 2 I've gotten used to hearing "Hexxy".
One of his favorite books is the "I SPY: Little Wheels" board book. It's one of those "must read over and over" books that we've all memorized.... or so i thought.
This morning he brought me the book, all excited, and sat down in my lap (the best part), and started turning the pages purposefully, saying "hexxy...hexxy...hexxy!!" as if he were searching for something very specific. I was so curious to know where he'd found a hexagon in a book of wheels. The suspense mounted as we went through every page and he still wasn't satisfied. He started thumbing through the pages again, backwards, still chanting "hexxy", getting a little more desperate with every unsuccessful page turn. Finally he stopped turning, and exclaimed with glee, "HEXXY!" ............. and pointed to........ a small yellow Taxi.
"Ohhhhh...Taxi!" i laughed in amazement.
"Haxi!" he smiled with contentment.
i looked at Dave. "Did you teach him that?"
"No, i thought you did."
hmm. either he's learned to read behind our backs... or one of his grandparents has been reading "I SPY" a little more literally than we have.
now we just need to work on that "T" sound....
He learned his shapes recently using the shape sorter toy-- the classic red and blue ellipse with the yellow handles at both ends. He decided to call the star "Sah-zee", the pentagon "Penty" and the hexagon "Hexxy". So over the past month or 2 I've gotten used to hearing "Hexxy".
One of his favorite books is the "I SPY: Little Wheels" board book. It's one of those "must read over and over" books that we've all memorized.... or so i thought.
This morning he brought me the book, all excited, and sat down in my lap (the best part), and started turning the pages purposefully, saying "hexxy...hexxy...hexxy!!" as if he were searching for something very specific. I was so curious to know where he'd found a hexagon in a book of wheels. The suspense mounted as we went through every page and he still wasn't satisfied. He started thumbing through the pages again, backwards, still chanting "hexxy", getting a little more desperate with every unsuccessful page turn. Finally he stopped turning, and exclaimed with glee, "HEXXY!" ............. and pointed to........ a small yellow Taxi.
"Ohhhhh...Taxi!" i laughed in amazement.
"Haxi!" he smiled with contentment.
i looked at Dave. "Did you teach him that?"
"No, i thought you did."
hmm. either he's learned to read behind our backs... or one of his grandparents has been reading "I SPY" a little more literally than we have.
now we just need to work on that "T" sound....
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
One Month Old
For Kyren's one month birthday, he got to snuggle with Daddy for the first time! What a treat for all of us-- not sure who enjoyed it most! I got to capture on film some really great perspective of how tiny our big one-monther is!
snoogle
The Snoogle is a little piece of fabric stuffed with lambswool. Apparently lambswool retains scent. The mommy places the Snoogle inside of her shirt for a couple of nights, and then places it inside the baby's isolette, so he can get to know and prefer her scent! I think this is not only ingenius, but very "sweet" for both mom and baby. . . I feel like i'm giving him something of myself,and he gets to "know" a piece of me, as he snuggles the Snoogle close to his face. Tonight he was tucked in with it, and was actually holding onto it when we arrived. Sweet, indeed!
Sunday, October 18, 2009
4 weeks of 4ness
It's actually gone by pretty fast. and yet it seems like a long time ago.
i got to hold him again last night-- it is hard to believe that my baby is 4 weeks old, and i have only held him twice. it still is difficult to let it truly sink in that he's ours. but we are grateful for another really good week of relative healthiness! for him and for us-- as we hear more and more reports of swine flu and other illnesses hitting our area.
we left Bubby home with Gramsy and Poppy today, again, so we could sleep in a little and go to church without distraction. then we bought some pumpkins and took them over there to carve... thinking Christian would love scooping the goopiness out of the centers. on the contrary, he cried when he touched it, and after being coaxed to scoop out a few spoonfuls of the stuff, quickly went back to playing with his truck. every time he'd reappear, he'd look at the pumpkins and say, "goopy!" -- like, "why are you people still touching that stuff?". i guess it is an odd thing to do from the perspective of a 17 month old.
we ended up getting 4 pumpkins. the large one for daddy, the medium one for mommy, the small one for Christian, and the little tiny baby one for Kyren... or as Christian calls him, "Kooey". it made it just a little more real (but only a little) that we are actually a family of 4.
pictures to come...
big shoes to fill
Kyren's first pair of shoes
they're about the size of my thumb
looked very tiny -- until we put them on!
chillin'
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
breathing before walking, please.
We lifted the blanket to peer into the isolette that keeps our tiny, 27 week old miracle boy alive, and there he was-- on his feet. not upright, but literally straight-legged, with his back and his bottom straight up in the air! We were in awe, when he not only did this once or twice, but several times over the next few minutes. The nurse on duty said he was doing his exercises. Who would have thought that such scrawny little chicken legs could do anything other than stretch and flail?! I think it would be amazing to watch a full term newborn do something that takes so much strength! But to see a 12 incher on a ventilator try to stand up is truly mind-boggling. It was a proud parent moment! But of course we didn't have the camera... :(
We are so encouraged that he is getting stronger, and that he's eating well! His feedings have now increased from 2-4 mL every 3 hrs... to 10-13 mL!! The plan is to increase the amount every 12 hrs, as long as he tolerates it. Please pray that he DOES, and that no complications arise!! We want him dancing around that isolette by the end of the week! (just kidding)... but we do want him to start gaining that weight and strength he so desperately needs in order to thrive.
This morning we got a call from the nurse practitioner letting us know that they tried to switch him from the oscillator to the C-PAP. Unfortunately he stopped breathing several times and they had to put him back on the original ventilator. His lungs are still too immature to allow him to breathe with less assistance. While this sounds scary, she assured us that it is very normal, and he just needs a few more days to rest and mature before they try it again. I'm just amazed that they are trying it this soon! I thought it'd be weeks before that would be possible. Our prayers are for strong and healthy air sacs to grow this week, and a smooth and safe transition to the C-PAP -- when it's time. Of course we want to see quick progress, but only if he's ready for it. We don't need any more overachievers in this family!! So take it easy with the leg lifts, Buddy!
We are so encouraged that he is getting stronger, and that he's eating well! His feedings have now increased from 2-4 mL every 3 hrs... to 10-13 mL!! The plan is to increase the amount every 12 hrs, as long as he tolerates it. Please pray that he DOES, and that no complications arise!! We want him dancing around that isolette by the end of the week! (just kidding)... but we do want him to start gaining that weight and strength he so desperately needs in order to thrive.
This morning we got a call from the nurse practitioner letting us know that they tried to switch him from the oscillator to the C-PAP. Unfortunately he stopped breathing several times and they had to put him back on the original ventilator. His lungs are still too immature to allow him to breathe with less assistance. While this sounds scary, she assured us that it is very normal, and he just needs a few more days to rest and mature before they try it again. I'm just amazed that they are trying it this soon! I thought it'd be weeks before that would be possible. Our prayers are for strong and healthy air sacs to grow this week, and a smooth and safe transition to the C-PAP -- when it's time. Of course we want to see quick progress, but only if he's ready for it. We don't need any more overachievers in this family!! So take it easy with the leg lifts, Buddy!
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Saturday, October 10, 2009
little tiny windows to the soul
Tonight our little one opened his eyes -- wider and for a longer period of time than we have previously seen! It was such a small thing to get excited about and yet we were filled with so much joy! There is something about open eyes that suddenly brings light and life and expression to a previously incommunicative face. His appearance changed completely! He was suddenly human, in a way that he wasn't before. We ooh-ed and ahh-ed and talked to him as if he could see and understand us. And even though the poor little guy can only hear muffled sounds through the plexiglass, and see black and white shadows (and those only a few inches from his face), it was as if we were finally connecting with him-- soul to soul.
Later I thought about this as a picture of how we are with God.
With all that we can read about Him in the Bible and know about Him from walking with Him in this life, it is but a few gray shadows compared to who He really is, and how we will someday see Him. 1 Corinthians 13 says it's like seeing through a glass dimly. . . but someday we will see and know Him even as He sees and knows us!
Like we stand beside Kyren and gaze upon him, touch him, talk to him, and know him, so our Father looks at us and knows us (only He knows us completely). And we, like our little boy, are oblivious to the care, love and concern God has for us.
The difference between our parenting and God's is that God is constant, never leaving our side! His love is all-knowing, and He is all-powerful, and able to heal with the touch of His Hand! He doesn't just stand by and look down at us-- He cradles us close to His heart and never lets us go! He's the perfect Daddy, and He doesn't care that we don't see Him for who He is-- He knows that someday we will!! And while He tunes our eyes to see Him more and more clearly as we grow and gain understanding, we will not truly comprehend all He's done for us and how much He loves us, until we meet Him face to face!
I can't wait for the day when Kyren can gain comfort from gazing back into our eyes, and I can only imagine how much our Heavenly Father longs for us to look into His!
Thank you, Daddy, for such a sweet little gift-- and how much we feel your strong, loving arms around us. As we long to hold him close to our hearts, we know you are holding us all close to your heart tonight. We rest there, with our son, cradled in your Love...
and the award goes to...
Our visit with Kyren was a little extra special last night. Our favorite nurse, Maureen, who reads our blog (even though she's with him all day long), said that we could put the sides of the isolette down and "hold" our baby. So we got to slide our hands under his bedding and bend down low to look at his face and whisper in his ear. It was so much more personal than just sticking our hands through the little windows on the side. She encouraged us by saying that, because we are his parents, the more time we spend with him, the more we will become acquainted with who he is and what he likes and doesn't like. We will get to know him even better than the nurses do (this is so hard to imagine right now!). She told us we could let her know what kind of touch he prefers, etc. . . She let me change his tiny little diaper and hold the syringe of milk while it was 'fed' into his stomach. At one point she had to turn some lights on in the room and asked me to cover his eyes. All of these things made me feel like i was actually doing something to help care for my baby! I think anyone who can make a parent feel like this deserves an award of some kind. Not sure they give out awards in the NICU, Maureen, but if they did-- we'd nominate YOU!
We will try to post pictures later-- I haven't even had a chance to look at them yet-- i'm hoping some came out clear enough to capture the sweetness of those moments.
We will try to post pictures later-- I haven't even had a chance to look at them yet-- i'm hoping some came out clear enough to capture the sweetness of those moments.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
another good day
We went to visit Kyren tonight and all reports are still good! The nurse and doctor on duty both seemed very positive about his recovery. All of his blood readings are normal, he's breathing rather well on only a slightly elevated level of oxygen (25% as opposed to the 21% you and i breathe), and he had his first 'feeding' after surgery tonight. He still prefers to be on his belly, and since they are beginning to decrease his pain meds, they want him as comfortable as possible (ie, not lying on his incision). He looked pretty cozy, and he opened his eyes several times while we were there. I like to think it's because he hears our voices.
I find myself beginning to really want to hold him. Due to his skin sensitivity all of the touch we give him has to be gentle and firm. This goes against my maternal instincts, as all i want to do is stroke his hair and skin softly. It's slowly dawning on me that he's really OURS -- like, he's my baby... not someone elses. It's so strange to not have any bonding time, and yet to slowly begin to form an attachment to someone you don't even feel related to. I recently had someone encourage me not to worry about the bonding process-- that it will totally happen over time, and a few years from now he will be just as much of a mama's boy as any other. That day seems like a completely foreign concept to me right now, and that's ok. I'm not a big picture kind of girl-- so just focussing on the day-by-day is where I prefer to be anyway. God knew I'd be the right person for this assignment, I guess.
He got a neighbor this evening... a 10 lb 2 oz baby girl! She looked like a giant, lying 5 feet away from his tiny self. Actually, she looked chubbier than Christian looks at 17 months. I couldn't stop staring at her-- so healthy looking, crying, and taking in the world around her. I didn't know whether to feel worse for her or for Kyren. At least Kyren doesn't really know what's going on.... he sleeps most of the time. She probably just wanted to be snuggled and fed, and was scared and lonely for her mom. But she'll also probably be outta there in a few days. sigh. And we will not.
But we are thankful nonetheless for another good day-- and we are counting every little progressive preemie baby step as a blessing from the Father of all gifts (James 1:17). And someday, though a very long time from now, we will be celebrating 10 lbs 2 oz, and looking back at these first few weeks as if they were a dream.
For now.... we are still getting used to reality.
I find myself beginning to really want to hold him. Due to his skin sensitivity all of the touch we give him has to be gentle and firm. This goes against my maternal instincts, as all i want to do is stroke his hair and skin softly. It's slowly dawning on me that he's really OURS -- like, he's my baby... not someone elses. It's so strange to not have any bonding time, and yet to slowly begin to form an attachment to someone you don't even feel related to. I recently had someone encourage me not to worry about the bonding process-- that it will totally happen over time, and a few years from now he will be just as much of a mama's boy as any other. That day seems like a completely foreign concept to me right now, and that's ok. I'm not a big picture kind of girl-- so just focussing on the day-by-day is where I prefer to be anyway. God knew I'd be the right person for this assignment, I guess.
He got a neighbor this evening... a 10 lb 2 oz baby girl! She looked like a giant, lying 5 feet away from his tiny self. Actually, she looked chubbier than Christian looks at 17 months. I couldn't stop staring at her-- so healthy looking, crying, and taking in the world around her. I didn't know whether to feel worse for her or for Kyren. At least Kyren doesn't really know what's going on.... he sleeps most of the time. She probably just wanted to be snuggled and fed, and was scared and lonely for her mom. But she'll also probably be outta there in a few days. sigh. And we will not.
But we are thankful nonetheless for another good day-- and we are counting every little progressive preemie baby step as a blessing from the Father of all gifts (James 1:17). And someday, though a very long time from now, we will be celebrating 10 lbs 2 oz, and looking back at these first few weeks as if they were a dream.
For now.... we are still getting used to reality.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
road 2 recovery
We didn't get in to see him today, but i just spoke with Kyren's nurse. She said he is a feisty little guy, and even on pain medicine, he is often awake and moving around. They put him back on his belly, which she said seems to be his favorite position, and he's now calmer and snuggled in for the night. As much as i don't like to picture him struggling for comfort, the word 'feisty' was rather encouraging. It sort of implies that he's got some strength and some fight in him. I've heard that caucasian male preemies are often referred to as 'wimpy white boys', because of all the babies in the NICU, they are often the weakest and least likely to thrive. Let's pray he defies those odds!
She said his blood pressure has been at a pretty good level since last night, but his blood oxygen has been up and down. He had a blood transfusion last night, and another one this evening. He still hasn't been fed anything since before the surgery, but hopefully tomorrow he can start back on the breastmilk. Speaking of which, for those of you who have prayed for me regarding that whole arena, things are finally going very well, and I am adjusting to my new life as a cow. As long as I am able to nap during Christian's naptime, getting up during the night is not as bad as it was at first.
Thank you for continuing to pray for the healing of the lungs, the transition back to feedings, and the blood and oxygen levels to stabilize. We also pray for our feisty little guy to get some rest tonight-- and save his energy for all the growing he's about to do!
Monday, October 5, 2009
Success!
Though the surgeons were delayed by car trouble, and the surgery didn't happen till 1:15pm, it went smoothly and successfully! They made a small incision in his back, spread his little ribs aside, and put a teeny tiny titanium clamp on the duct. The major risks involved were 1. the potential of the duct tearing and/or hemorrhaging and 2. the laryngeal line (vocal chord) being knicked and damaged. It is beyond belief what a surgeon is able to do, not only with such SMALL parts of the body, but while the body is essentially vibrating from the Oscillator. We are marvelling at the technology that is available and perfected for such occasions, and are thanking God for skilled men and women who specialize in such things!
Thank you for your prayers and support today-- and for continuing to pray for our little man this week as he recovers. We should know more as the week goes on, as far as how much the surgery will benefit his lungs (which we already know it will)-- but in terms of their existing trouble being a result of the open duct vs. just their immaturity. We are praying that he will have minimal setbacks, and can begin to gain weight and strength and lung power in the coming weeks.
Thank you also for praying for our family -- Christian is doing much better, and we are aware that he is being carried through this as well! And aside from being pretty tired, dave and i are both still feeling very peaceful and joyful, and enjoying our gift of time together during his paternity leave. Life is good! And God is Great!
Thank you for your prayers and support today-- and for continuing to pray for our little man this week as he recovers. We should know more as the week goes on, as far as how much the surgery will benefit his lungs (which we already know it will)-- but in terms of their existing trouble being a result of the open duct vs. just their immaturity. We are praying that he will have minimal setbacks, and can begin to gain weight and strength and lung power in the coming weeks.
Thank you also for praying for our family -- Christian is doing much better, and we are aware that he is being carried through this as well! And aside from being pretty tired, dave and i are both still feeling very peaceful and joyful, and enjoying our gift of time together during his paternity leave. Life is good! And God is Great!
surgery day
Surgery is scheduled for today at 11am. It should only take about 10 minutes, and will be done bedside by a team of specialists from DuPont.. We know our baby is in the best of earthly hands, and that the procedure is fairly simple and routine. We are hopeful that the results will be worth the effort, and that Kyren's breathing will improve. He has been struggling with fluid in his lungs this weekend, due to the overworking of his heart/duct. Once the duct is closed, all of his other systems will be under a lot less strain. He will be able to begin taking more milk by tube, and hopefully strengthening more and more each day.
Thankfully we have our hope in more than just good doctors and the miracle of science. Though together, those things are incredible gifts we would be at a loss without. But as we go to the hospital today, we are keenly aware that we go carried by your prayers, and that God is holding Kyren and all of his systems in His capable Hands.
We join you in praying for the wisdom and skill of the doctors and nurses, the safety of the anesthesia, the success of the surgery itself, and a smooth and quick recovery.
We will keep you posted as we know more.
Thanks again for your care and love, and for joining us this day in lifting our little one to the Great Physician!
Thankfully we have our hope in more than just good doctors and the miracle of science. Though together, those things are incredible gifts we would be at a loss without. But as we go to the hospital today, we are keenly aware that we go carried by your prayers, and that God is holding Kyren and all of his systems in His capable Hands.
We join you in praying for the wisdom and skill of the doctors and nurses, the safety of the anesthesia, the success of the surgery itself, and a smooth and quick recovery.
We will keep you posted as we know more.
Thanks again for your care and love, and for joining us this day in lifting our little one to the Great Physician!
Saturday, October 3, 2009
tired
Today is a tired day. Thankfully Christian had a little sleepover at Gramsy and Poppy's so we could get some rest/sleep in. But I haven't been able to muster up enough energy to get out of bed most of the day. We did go to pick him up, had a nice stroll down the street in the warm sunshine, and watched him frolic in the fall air. He is so fun to watch.
I got him some great truck books at the COS childrens' sale last night, as well as a little push- mower, a digger, dumptruck and his very own kids' acoustic guitar (minus a couple of strings-- daddy fix!). So now we have a few new fun distractions around the house for those "I want Mommy and can't understand why she's unavailable" moments.
As far as our other little guy, we went to visit him last evening, and it was a little more difficult than usual to see him. They switched him to an Oscillator instead of a Ventilator, and his little chest was shaking/vibrating, and the rest of him was agitated as a result. He didn't look comfortable at all. I had to keep telling myself every time he flailed his little arms, that he was just doing a little dance... nothin' like a little denial to keep you goin'. I spoke with the nurse this morning and she said he was doing pretty well. He's gained another ounce, so he's officially over his birthweight. A tiny little milestone. The murmur is still present, and surgery is still scheduled for Monday.
Please continue to pray for his heart, as well as his lungs, which are daily effected by the duct not being closed. It's hard to believe that tomorrow he will be 2 weeks old. It seems like so long ago that he made his debut.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
mystery. power. purpose.
I'm not that great at praying. But I believe in it now more than ever. Like I said before, it's not as if God needs a thousand people asking Him to close the heart duct of a tiny baby boy in order for Him to do so. He is all powerful and all knowing and all loving. But He is also mysterious. His ways are not our ways. His thoughts are higher than ours (Isaiah 55). He asks us to pray for our hearts' desires, but He doesn't guarantee that we'll get what we ask for, when we ask for it, in the way that we expect. I used to look at this as somewhat unfair. But these days, despite the mystery of 'unanswered' prayer, there is still peace. We've been asking God daily to close this tiny heart duct, and so far He has not done so. And while we'd like Him to answer right away with our preferred response, we are trusting that He has a special plan for Kyren. There is mystery, power (James 5:13-16), and purpose in every prayer we offer up. It's just that we often don't get to see the many purposes this side of Heaven, I'm convinced.
We are believing God for miracles-- we still want that duct closed before they elect to do surgery on it this Monday. And we will ask God to have mercy on His beloved in this way. But we are certain that whether or not He answers in the affirmative, He has a purpose (or two or three or 1000). This surgery will not be left to chance. It will be left to the Great Physician. And we don't just say this hoping that God will see our great faith and grant us our hearts' desires. We really do want what He wants, because we have come to truly believe that He has nothing but the best in mind for us and our baby. It's just that His best may come in a different package, at a different hour than we expect (ie, the birth of our baby 16 weeks before his due date).
Thank you for joining us on this mysterious, powerful, purposeful journey... we are amazed at the answers to your prayers that God has already granted, and we are anticipating the goodness of His Hand to continue regardless of the circumstances He allows.
We are believing God for miracles-- we still want that duct closed before they elect to do surgery on it this Monday. And we will ask God to have mercy on His beloved in this way. But we are certain that whether or not He answers in the affirmative, He has a purpose (or two or three or 1000). This surgery will not be left to chance. It will be left to the Great Physician. And we don't just say this hoping that God will see our great faith and grant us our hearts' desires. We really do want what He wants, because we have come to truly believe that He has nothing but the best in mind for us and our baby. It's just that His best may come in a different package, at a different hour than we expect (ie, the birth of our baby 16 weeks before his due date).
Thank you for joining us on this mysterious, powerful, purposeful journey... we are amazed at the answers to your prayers that God has already granted, and we are anticipating the goodness of His Hand to continue regardless of the circumstances He allows.
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