We went to visit Kyren tonight and all reports are still good! The nurse and doctor on duty both seemed very positive about his recovery. All of his blood readings are normal, he's breathing rather well on only a slightly elevated level of oxygen (25% as opposed to the 21% you and i breathe), and he had his first 'feeding' after surgery tonight. He still prefers to be on his belly, and since they are beginning to decrease his pain meds, they want him as comfortable as possible (ie, not lying on his incision). He looked pretty cozy, and he opened his eyes several times while we were there. I like to think it's because he hears our voices.
I find myself beginning to really want to hold him. Due to his skin sensitivity all of the touch we give him has to be gentle and firm. This goes against my maternal instincts, as all i want to do is stroke his hair and skin softly. It's slowly dawning on me that he's really OURS -- like, he's my baby... not someone elses. It's so strange to not have any bonding time, and yet to slowly begin to form an attachment to someone you don't even feel related to. I recently had someone encourage me not to worry about the bonding process-- that it will totally happen over time, and a few years from now he will be just as much of a mama's boy as any other. That day seems like a completely foreign concept to me right now, and that's ok. I'm not a big picture kind of girl-- so just focussing on the day-by-day is where I prefer to be anyway. God knew I'd be the right person for this assignment, I guess.
He got a neighbor this evening... a 10 lb 2 oz baby girl! She looked like a giant, lying 5 feet away from his tiny self. Actually, she looked chubbier than Christian looks at 17 months. I couldn't stop staring at her-- so healthy looking, crying, and taking in the world around her. I didn't know whether to feel worse for her or for Kyren. At least Kyren doesn't really know what's going on.... he sleeps most of the time. She probably just wanted to be snuggled and fed, and was scared and lonely for her mom. But she'll also probably be outta there in a few days. sigh. And we will not.
But we are thankful nonetheless for another good day-- and we are counting every little progressive preemie baby step as a blessing from the Father of all gifts (James 1:17). And someday, though a very long time from now, we will be celebrating 10 lbs 2 oz, and looking back at these first few weeks as if they were a dream.
For now.... we are still getting used to reality.
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So glad to hear Kyren is doing well and that you are adjusting one day at a time. I agree with your friend's encouragement regarding bonding with Kyren. I felt very similar about Alex when she was in the NICU...and like you, one day at a time I longed to hold her more and more and then eventually one day I found myself so attached to her and in love with her that I thought my heart would burst. I worried if she would prefer me over her nurse care givers...or if she would even know the differance. 3 months in the NICU away from her home and parents did not take that bonding away. Alex is very much a mommy's girl! It will come. Trust me. I believe Kyren knows your voice and your smell and that it comforts him and makes him stronger. I do think he responds to you when you are there and that he knows who you are. And yeah, it is so strage to do still touch...but you will get used to it. So glad Kyren is doing well and that you are doing well! One day at a time. That's all you can do...
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