Holding a Miracle...

I couldn't believe my ears when the nurse told me I could hold my little miracle boy yesterday! It was like holding a feather-- only with lots of wires attached to it. Definitely a precious and sacred 30 minutes! His skin (as you can see in the Lamb picture) is rather roughed up from being so delicate-- but he is still stable and breathing well on the ventilator. Please continue to pray for the heart duct to completely close-- the latest is that the murmur comes and goes. And pray too for continued health of the brain! We are thanking God for every good report, and are sure that He hears each and every prayer... and we certainly still feel them!

The Lamb's feet say "Jesus" and "Loves You". Just in case you thought the Lamb's name was Jesus when you zoom in on the picture... :)

He has his Daddy's strong neck...

I like to call it the mini tower of David.

Birds, Bees, Babies..and STD's

In all my years of studying, researching, teaching, and practicing the lost art of abstinence from sex before marriage, I endured a lot of criticism and skepticism. I heard every common response you could think of... Why tell kids not to do it? They're gonna do it anyway. What's the point in waiting? You mean you don't even 'mess around'? You're missing out! Don't you want to have some experience? What if your husband doesn't wait for YOU? What if you aren't sexually compatible?

I spent 10 years responding to these and a thousand other statements/questions that were phrased in such a way as to make my decision to wait seem pointless. And as I did, I found my conviction on the matter growing more definite, never less.

Then I got married. And I can honestly say it was one of the best life decisions I have ever made to 'wait'. Every point I ever made in the classroom has proven to be true thus far. I have complete and total trust in the faithfulness of my husband (who did, btw, wait for me too). I have no fear of comparison to other women. I have a lifetime of intimacy to build without the intrusion of memories from the past. And the list goes on and on.

But I never imagined I would find myself in the place I did yesterday. The doctor caring for my innocent little baby told me that his primary conjecture for the sores on my little one's back was Herpes. I clarified with him what I already knew to be true. You can only contract Herpes from skin-to-skin sexual contact, transmission of bodily fluids, or through the birth canal as a baby. I assured him that my baby couldn't possibly have Herpes. And he looked at me "with all due respect" and said that a lot of women don't know that they have it. I clarified once more that it wasn't possible. He clarified once more that it's "difficult to always get an accurate history of one's partner". He probably thought "this poor naive girl thinks her husband waited for her." Part of me wanted to jump out of my chair and ring his neck. But then I remembered that I was 1. holding my precious child for the first time and couldn't move. and 2. it's probably the least realistic concept he, as an experienced physician who's treated a million cases of Herpes and other STD's in babies, could imagine. And I had to take myself back to the classroom days. Why should he believe me? Who's really crazy enough to save all skin-to-skin contact for the institution that has over a 50% chance of not working out anyway?

Whenever I spoke to kids about STD's I just took for granted that I would never have to deal with them-- I never imagined that that would someday benefit my child... and be one less thing to worry about during a time where there's plenty of other things to be concerned over. I can't imagine the guilt I would feel having passed something so preventable on to my little miracle boy.

I told him I was fine with waiting for the lab results... but that he could begin ruling out Herpes as his primary theory. He walked away, and a few minutes later returned, said he'd discussed my case with a colleague, and if what I was saying was true, then they were now wondering if the baby may have Impetigo. I almost laughed out loud. Jeeze!

It's too bad they don't ask more personal questions before they go ahead and start your baby on anti-viral drugs just because it looks like they may have an STD. The poor kid is already on antibiotics and a ton of other tubes and wires. The least they could do, for his sake, is pry a little bit into the sexual history of the parents.

This makes me want to develop a curriculum for speaking to medical personnel about the need for more open communication regarding sexuality and all of its implications.

ahh... in my spare time.

For now, I am just grateful for the grace of God on our lives... that our baby doesn't have Herpes... for the faithfulness and self-control of my husband... and for the privilege it was to stand in front of thousands of students over the years and tell them the truth. Even if one or two decided to make some wise choices as a result, perhaps there are one or two less babies in the world having to deal with a preventible complication from a little messin' around.

O Wondrous Love.

It was a sweet thing to be in church today. There is something about worshipping God in the midst of trial that is sweeter than any other time. At a certain point in the service one of our pastors encouraged us by saying, "Whether you're in a season of trial or a season of blessing...God is faithful". At least I think that's what he said. I was struck half way through his sentence by this profound and shouting thought: What if your season of trial IS a season of blessing? What if they go hand in hand? Because, honestly, right now I feel so blessed -- not even in spite of our trial, but moreso BECAUSE of our trial.
It has been a long time since I felt 'close' to God. These past few years have been marked by distance and dryness and struggle in my faith. And that is partly why I feared that God would bring me a trial. To humble me with pain, that I would return to him. But God is not like that. At least not in the sense that He would punish me with circumstances for the sake of humility. And not in the sense that He would punish me at all. My punishment has already been taken care of by Jesus -- and what God is after in all of this is not my obligatory obedience, but my heart.... my affection... my understanding of His love for me. He loves me enough to come after me when I run away in arrogance. I don't deserve that! God of the universe could be doing a lot of other things with His time than pursuing a stubborn, self-reliant runaway. But instead He has taken the time to create this beautiful season of "trial blessing" just for me.
He has given me this new season as a GIFT-- a gift that has come in a 1 lb 8 oz package of mercy. Yes, I am humbled. But it is more by the Love and Nearness of God, my Father, than the sting of the circumstance in which I find myself. The question, "Why would God do this to me?" is running through my mind-- but not in the way one might think. It's really more "Why would He be so kind? Why would He love me enough to chase me down through a helpless premature baby, just to tell me He loves me?" Cuz that's how it feels. He is only after my good and His glory. There is nothing senseless about this. The only thing that doesn't make sense is how much He cares for those who don't deserve His care! He could have sent this trial and left me to wallow in it, hopeless. But because I am His child, bought with a price I could never pay, He brings the wound only to bind it up, while showing me my need for Him. And because He is only Good, and never malicious or manipulative, He is revealing to me what I've needed to see all along: That He loves me because He loves me...because...He is Love.
And whether He leaves Kyren here, or takes him Home, this season of "trial blessing" will be a time in my life I will never forget-- for the Lord has shown mercy to more than just my son's heart this week-- He's shown it in mine.

A little perspective

It's hard to capture how tiny he actually is....
but here are some of the shots from this week.

We are rejoicing in the progress our little guy has made in just making it through his first week of life! We spoke with his nurse this evening by phone, who gave us a very nice birthday update-- As of now, it seems that the murmur caused by the heart duct is no longer able to be detected! We will know more when the doctor confirms (hopefully tomorrow), but it looks as though it has pleased God to answer your prayers for this specific request!She also mentioned that his skin seems to be a little better today as well! God cares about the little things as well as the major!Because of the need to remove the tubes from his umbilicus (what we thought was an unfortunate event), they were able to put Kyren on his belly instead of his side or back (which is how he's been positioned all week). All newborns seem to feel more secure when their arms and legs are tucked in securely, but especially preemies. In many of the ultrasounds I had leading up to his delivery, Kyren was often flipping over on his belly in the womb, so they couldn't get a good look at him. It is a comfort to know that he is most likely enjoying his favorite position once again, and hopefully feeling a little more secure.All of his levels remain balanced, his diaper is needing to be changed regularly, and he is still breathing well on his ventilator. And for those who have asked about my headaches, they are now completely gone!! Thank you so much for your prayers-- we are amazed and thankful at how quickly each one is being answered.
Happy One Week Birthday, Beloved of the Lord!
May God continue to shed His Mercy on you... and your tiny body!

skinny skin skin

Dave and i got to visit Kyren together this evening, thanks to my parents offering to have Christian overnight (which he loves more than just about anything). We were a little taken back by his appearance. Because of some infection around his umbilicus, they had to remove his tubes and insert and i.v. into each of his teeny tiny hands. In order to do this they had to tape his hands up, with little rolls of gauze acting as splints beneath his forearms. His skin is all dried out and peeling (sometimes it just peels off when they remove tape, etc), and he has some mysterious sores on his back. the doctor, who's been in practice for 24 yrs, and says she's seen every kind of viral and bactierial sore there is, isn't sure what they are. Not something you hear a doc say everyday! They are running all kinds of tests, and will hopefully conclude that they are just a sort of allergic reaction to his bedding or something else that's irritated him.
As gruesome as all of this sounds, it was precious to see him again. I found myself looking forward to it, despite the long drive on a rainy night. My plan was to visit with him, then pump, then visit again, go home, and pump again (let's be honest--this is what my life will now revolve around for the coming months). Unfortunately I forgot to bring all of the pieces required for pumping at the hospital, and we could only stay a short time. LIve and learn.
On the bright side, despite his skin issues, Kyren had a rather positive day, healthwise. We are continuing to pray for his heart duct and the rest of his body, and for strength to fight off any infection that may loom around him.
I got to "hold" him again, and for a few seconds i could feel his heartbeat when my finger rested on his tiny chest. It was beautiful and overwhelming at the same time.
Be healed, little heart!

unbelievable

i am sitting here with a sense of inadequacy to express what's in my heart. The notes, comments, facebook updates, and prayers people are sending to us are blowing my mind. i am all at once humbled, in awe, faith-boosted, and almost floating on some kind of high as i literally receive the Goodness of God into my spirit. Just when i think we've been added to our last prayer chain at someone else's church, i get another email from someone i barely know telling us that 100 more people are praying for us today. And when you think about it, it's not that God needs 100 more people to pray for Kyren in order to decide to let him live, heal his heart, or keep his brain from bleeding. The beauty of God's Heart is that it is FOR us. We already know that whatever He chooses will be for our best, and His greatest glory. And yet there is something so powerful about thousands of people being drawn by a 1 lb baby to their knees in prayer. There is a verse that has always stopped me in my tracks. It says that God uses the weak and lowly ones to shame the wise and strong (1 cor 1:27). Who can stand in the presence of a helpless creature, so small and yet so perfectly formed, and walk away without a sense of awe and humility? Kyren is causing us (and it appears many others) to stop in our tracks and consider the inherent beauty, mystery, and wonder of the weak and lowly things.
As i stood by Kyren's incubator today and talked to him, his left eye opened a tiny bit, almost as if he were trying to see who was talking to him. it was the tiniest slit of an eye, but it was precious to imagine that he somehow knew my voice. At one point he began to seem a little agitated. His scrawny arms flailed and his delicate chest heaved. The nurse said this is common, as his nervous system is easily over-stimulated and responds involuntarily. She encouraged me to put one hand on his little head, and the other over his little torso, and cradle his arms close to his chest. To do this covers practically his whole body. It was the first time i'd held anything other than his hand. I can't describe what it's like to touch a miracle. But in that moment i was filled with a desire to pray for him. There is no inherent power in my hands, but there was something very spiritual about that moment. Laying hands on my son, asking God to heal his miniscule heart duct, and feeling a surge of love flow through my fingers was truly a highlight of my life. 'Coincidentally' they were beginning to administer the first round of Ibuprofen at just that moment. Kyren seemed to respond to my swaddle, and his body calmed down, as if he were falling asleep in my hands. I think I am falling for him!
People keep commenting on how great our faith is. But what we hope people truly see is that it's not something we ourselves are mustering... or something that we just happen to excel in. It is God who is great. And as Kyren is showing us, it is we who are really the weak and lowly. This faith is completely, totally, and in every way, shape, and form, a GIFT from God during what could otherwise be a crippling time. We're sure there will be days ahead where we are weary and burdened, but what we rest in now is what we'll rest in then. God promises to be faithful, kind, and always near. He's not going to suddenly leave us. Our faith may waiver, but He definitely won't.
Thank you for standing with us in love, and kneeling with us in prayer.

...and by the way, the brain scan was clear again! no bleeding.