Refreshment . . . at last.

It's been a long time since i felt free. really free.
if you know God and you know that He loves you, and nothing else matters to you beside this fact, then you know what freedom truly feels like. well...I'd forgotten. I'd forgotten what it felt like to feel His presence, to hear Him whisper truth to my spirit, to be lost in wonder, found in love. I've been so numb for so long-- i really had begun to think that my soul was dead or something. existing but not really living. and that it's really all my fault and unless i do some serious climbing up that steep hill of "doing things better and being more righteous", i was never going to get out of this place. the trouble was, i had stopped desiring abundant life. i had no motivation to start climbing. no desire to be free from these heavy chains and this thick callous around my heart. from down here the top didn't look worth the effort. i was content to remain in the void of my heart. i didn't even feel desperate. i knew i was hiding it from some people, but i wasn't really caring any more if people discovered it. the only bit of truth that still made sense to me was that i can't force myself to be where I'm not. whether or not God was pleased with me had ceased to matter. (though i imagined He probably wasn't).
then the opportunity arose for me to visit a new church. i was a little anxious about how it would go, who i might see there, whether or not it would be the experience i was hoping for-- an encounter with God where He might break through this hardness. i made myself sit down and pray before i left home (which i found really difficult since prayer isn't something i've ever been 'good' at, and lately haven't been doing at all). it occurred to me as i requested that God break me down 'somehow', that my heart has really become atheistic in nature... i don't even know sometimes if i believe any of what i used to -- ie, if i don't feel God then maybe none of this stuff is real. And when i do muster up belief that He's real, i don't believe God really wants to meet me or break down my walls, or He's at least very reluctant. i didn't want to get my hopes up, for fear i'd walk out of the service as calloused as i walked in, only furthering my conjectures (and lack thereof), and losing just about ALL hope of return to faith and intimacy with Jesus. OR just have my doubts of His love validated by a lack of Him showing up to answer my prayer.
But from the moment I walked in, something was different. A woman I was nervous about seeing happened to be the only person in sight as I walked in the door. She walked with me down the long hallway to the sanctuary and it was a wonderfully natural conversation. As I entered, the only other person I thought might be there (and was secretly hoping I’d get to talk with at some point) was standing there as if to greet me, and invited me to sit with her. Worship started with a song I’d never heard before, where one of the lines was about “trials of doubt” and how God is still there with me through them. A wave of something swept over me and I began to cry. i felt like heavy chains were falling off of me. It was a familiar sweeping up of my heart, yet foreign-feeling at the same time. It’s been a long long time since I have felt that wave. It was like a cool shower on a hot day.
After another song, one of the pastors got up and said that there was a sense that some there were in a dry place. . . not just a passing season, but a long and difficult time of feeling dry and distant. He said that they were going to take some time to pray for those people, even if it was just 1 or 2 of us. I had no qualms about raising my hand – it was glaringly evident that I was one of those people. As hands began to surround me, I began to weep, and the pastor said not to worry about interrupting the service for the sake of your soul—that God loves us so much, He interrupted time and space to come down and save our souls—and He loves you so much individually that He wants to take time to minister to you now. I don’t remember everything that was said or prayed after that, but 2 verses stood out as they were read from the microphone. 1.) “He who has begun a good work in you will carry it to completion.” – basically, He hasn’t left you for dead. He’s not unaware of your situation. He cares, and He wants to restore your faith. 2.) “He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young.” --Basically, He knows you are helpless, tired, weary of running. He longs to gather you in His arms and have compassion on you, and care for you gently in this season of your life. . . especially those who are caring for young…!! What touched me so much, aside from the obvious, was that the 5 or 6 people who were praying for me probably also had their faith boosted, as they saw my pregnant belly, and realized that God was indeed speaking to my heart—right where I am.
I couldn't believe it. Not only does God NOT waste any time, but apparently He was EAGER to answer my prayer. Eager to break down my walls, flood my heart with love, and shower me with words of gentle grace! I stood there speechless— totally amazed. It was so simple. So real. And so freeing. And it had nothing to do with me climbing up any hill—not even a step. My reluctant prayer beforehand wasn’t even really a prayer. It was a cry for help from a hard heart, that didn’t even really want to be rescued. And yet He came. He flew down to where I was and enfolded me in His lavish, sweet Love. I didn’t feel ashamed, I didn’t feel like I had to do or say anything or go anywhere to please Him in that moment. It was as if He were pleased just to be holding me close. Not because I bring Him anything He doesn’t already have, but because He just delights in being LOVE. And that’s what Love does. It Loves. And it loves selflessly the unlovable.
The next line of the song we sang was, “I will not boast in anything. No gifts, no power, no wisdom. But I will boast in Jesus Christ, His death and resurrection.” And what a perfect picture of me not bringing ANYthing to boast in. He’s the one who came to ME. I didn’t come to Him. I didn’t interrupt time and space to run after HIM. He came to me. He died. He rose. He lives to intercede. He makes it all Happen. He carries it to completion. HE carries ME in HIS arms. He’s the gentle shepherd who leads me – even when i'm running away from Him. . .
And it suddenly hit me that this season I’m about to enter is going to be specifically designed by God FOR me, to reveal that I truly have NO gifts, no power, no wisdom to bring to the table. I will be a walking picture of weakness (physically and otherwise)… and it will be a new beginning, in every way.
As I write this, my baby is stretching His muscles inside my belly—I can feel little movements and kicks—and it occurs to me that this revelation is one that applies to him just as much as it applies to me. I can’t wait to see myself in his helplessness, his lack of gifts, power and wisdom. . . to realize that his only hope is the same as mine. The death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, our Loving Shepherd. May He continue to meet us in the days to come—and may we respond to His grace with humble adoration, expectant joy, and hearts full of thankfulness. . . He came that we might have Life and have it abundantly! And it is for FREEDOM that Christ has set us free! I want to really know what that means again. . . and that, in and of itself, is incredibly refreshing!