The Destitute

He has regarded the prayer of the destitute,
And has not despised their plea. -Psalm 102:17
Sometimes when i read passages like this one, i want so badly to believe it applies to me. i feel destitute sometimes. i want to believe that God is regarding my prayer and that he doesn't despise my plea. in the footnote it says that destitute can also mean "naked". i looked it up on dictionary.com and it says:
destitute:
1. without means of subsistence; lacking food, clothing, and shelter.
ok, so that doesn't apply to me. so the psalmist must be referring to the homeless. He hears the cries of those who have nothing in this life. He has compassion on them-- they're needy and desperate and vulnerable-- shut out by the world-- they need help. of course He would listen to their please. i must have no reason to complain or cry out...
but then i read on...
destitute:
2. deprived of, devoid of, or lacking
materially speaking, i am not deprived of anything. i have more than i could ever ask for. but then i begin to think about how i deprive myself of the Word of God, my sustenance, on a regular basis. . . how devoid my life is of prayer and worship... and how lacking my soul is of joy. could it be that God hears my cries for help even in the midst of my spiritual destitution?
3. Utterly lacking; devoid
well, yes, i am indeed utterly lacking in a lot of areas these days. in desire, motivation, righteousness, compassion, joy, rest, desire for life, ...
i have been devoid of these things and more for so long.
i woke up today with this picture in my mind of a guy building a fence around himself so no one could see him. what he didn't realize was that the castle in front of which he built his hideout was several stories higher than his fence. anyone who truly wanted to observe him could simply look down from a window or a balcony. he was completely devoid of the privacy he thought he had. i think that i do that a lot with God (and with others). i make myself destitute and then believe that no one can see my condition as long as i hide behind walls of good deeds, right answers, and pleasantries. but on the inside i am utterly lacking.
4. poor enough to need help from others
i have lived so much of my life as a Christian in self-dependence... believing the lie that i'm a pretty strong person. i have always been prone to self-righteounsness and pridefully believed that i don't really need others to help me. in my outer appearance of strength i can offer help to those who are weak, but i don't need much in return. when we were little we'd often start off playing house by commanding our friends: "I'll be the mommy. You be the baby." i think that a lot of my real-life relationships took on this same agenda. i really believed that i was the one in control. i would assume the role of the care-giver, strong one, and go-to person. there have been seasons where i've been weak, and willing to allow others in, but they don't usually last for very long. my fence posts of pride go right back up as soon as i feel empowered again.
So, am i destitute?
well, yes. according to Webster. i guess i am.
but does God really hear my prayer, if my destitution is a result of my own sin? does He really regard me? ......."He has not despised their prayer."
Why can't i get there? Why can't i truly believe that He isn't looking at me with disdain? or at least a reluctance to answer? am i a better destitute than someone else?
could it really be that He gazes down from the Castle and loves me despite my walls?
i am so tired of walking around in circles. i want to believe that it's true.