a little look in the mirror

"Mom, I'm mad to you because you're mad to ME. "

"What??"

We were eating breakfast in total peace and harmony, listening to kids' music.

I was standing at the stove, flipping pancakes. . . you know, being a good mom!

Trying to clarify, I asked, "You mean, you're mad at me because I'm mad at you?"

"Yeah."

"But Honey, I'm not mad at you."

"No Mom, when i disobey, you get mad and so i get mad."

"Ohhh, so when i get angry it makes you get angry?"

"Yes."

"Well, I know a good solution to that problem..."

"What?"

"Don't disobey me!" I flashed him a smile.

He returned the smile, and continued eating.

I returned to my smoking griddle and pondered in silence. Well, as silently as possible with Row, Row, Row Your Boat playing in the background.

Wow, I thought, that was extremely random and rather profound. I knew I had skipped over a potential teaching moment on the root of our hearts and their propensity toward sin... but I chose to allow the truth of what he was pointing out to sink into my own heart for a bit.

My anger effects him. It provokes him. It stirs up wrath. It does exactly what the Bible warns us it will do. Yes, eventually he will learn that we are all responsible for our responses, and that returning evil for evil is not ok.

But for now, this conviction lies on his mama. For I am the primary daily example in his life of how (or how not) to handle your anger.

I have been struggling a lot lately in this arena. He has quite a mouth on him, and his disrespect and disobedience flow freely from his nature. And as if it should be so surprising to me that he acts this way (I've been taught well at what to expect from a 3 year old), I allow his defiance, rebellion and disregard for my authority to invite me into rage. It happens so quickly, and it flows from my own prideful nature. I return evil for evil without a second thought. And so, before I seize a teaching moment, I best take time to learn MY lesson. Before i preach to him, i realllly need to preach to myself.

Between that last paragraph and this one, several hours have passed. He went skipping off to school. I got a few things done. I went to pick him up. He was happy as a lark. We stopped to look at the swollen river down the street... an impromptu science lesson. It was what rainy days should be. Fun and carefree. Everyone was happy.

Upon returning home, he started groaning in protest when i would ask him to do something. kind of an aggravated, guttural, complaining "ughhh!!"

I decided I better address this new attitude right away... again, being the good mom that i am.

"Why do you keep doing that?" I asked, looking him square in the eye. And before I could fully get out the words, "Did you learn it from someone at school?", he raised his arm and pointed his scrawny little finger right at me! The little stinker! He couldn't possibly be serious. Surely he was misunderstanding me.

I repeated the question.

He repeated his answer... this time adding a clarifying, "YOU."

And in case I didn't fully comprehend what this meant, he added matter of factly,"That's what YOU do when you're mad."

STRAIGHT to the heart.

Thanks, kiddo.

And as if it should be so surprising to me that I can act just like a 3 year old , after 32 years of being taught the difference between right and wrong, good attitude and poor, etc, etc. , I sit astonished that what he could be accusing me of could actually be true! Again I skipped the teaching moment, the opportunity to humbly respond, confess, and talk about why it is wrong to groan and complain. Instead I sat there and let the impact sink in a little deeper.

He's watching your every move. He's listening to your tone. He's learning... whether you mean to be teaching or not. He's picking up what you're putting down. EVERY day. All day long.

Oh, Lord! Helllllp meeee!

Help me to get low.

I cannot do this without Your help. I need humility. I need wisdom. I need patience and most of all, Love.

ok, let's start with the basics:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

(from 1 Corinthians 13)

It continually amazes me that the ONE Person who has every right to get angry with me, NEVER does.

But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. ... Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

(from Colossians 3)

And lest I think I can just 'try a little harder' to be more loving, the Lord gave me a little reminder as to why a resolution isn't the solution. . . to start off the new year. I decided my New Year's resolution would be to be less angry and more patient. Broad enough for a year-long goal, right? It took me all of 2.5 hours to fail on New Year's Day. By 10am I had completely lost it with the disrespectful and disobedient antics of the above little cherub. I even scared myself with how angry I got. And it was over something I probably would have judged someone else for reacting so strongly to. I don't even remember what it was now. But it was like a slap in my own face with the truth that the law just stirs up sin.

I would not have known what sin was had it not been for the law. For I would not have known what coveting really was if the law had not said, “You shall not covet.”

(romans 7:7)

The law (ie, 10 commandments) was given so that we would understand that we could not fulfill it! As soon as I try to pull myself up by own self-righteous bootstraps and take hold of my anger by my own strength, I will fail all over the place. Case. In. Point.

God loves me too much to allow me to live in the false presumption that I am the conqueror of my own sin. He allowed me to fail immediately as a big fat reminder that I was relying on the wrong person to provide the power to overcome.

It stopped me in my tracks, and after wallowing in defeat for a bit, I found the Holy Spirit prompting me to crawl into my 3 year old's bedroom and ask for his forgiveness...

it was nothing noble, or even motivated by humility... it was more out of desperation to repair some of the damage i had just wrought. to stop the tears i had just inflicted upon him.

somehow in doing so, there was a beautiful and instantaneous moment where we were both able to see how ugly sin is, how wrong it is to disobey God, and how much we need Jesus to help us. My little one saw the love in my eyes, the 'sorry' in my words, and instantly forgave me. He is such a better teacher to me than i am to him!

I cannot do this parenting thing without the God's constant intervention. Jesus is the best example there is of what it means to humble yourself, put on love, and provide wisdom.

Sometimes I act like because I'm my kids' authority, I'm more righteous than they are. But I'm starting to realize just how mistaken I am when I act in that frame of mind.

It's only because He conquered sin through dying and then RISING Victorious over death, I can put on HIS righteousness. . . which is nothing like mine.

I delight greatly in the LORD; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of His righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.

(Isaiah 61:10)

I have a feeling my resolution needs to be simply to get lower. to stay there. to return there whenever I fail. and to remember who is the "chief of sinners". It is not my child.

It would do my soul wonders to remember each morning that my children are a gift from the Lord, fragile seedlings in need of water, tenderness, and love. . . they are soaking up what I am pouring out upon them.

I cannot just conjur up patient love in the moment where i am offended by their obnoxious little outbursts. What fills my cup each day will be what spills out when it is bumped.

I am responsible to soak up the TRUTH that Christ is now living IN me, ready to empower me to shower them with His Love, Patience, Kindness, etc... that it might pour out of me. If I do not dwell on His love for me, how can I expect that Love to flow to others through me? I must stop functioning on the caffeine of my own strength. It is empty.

They are watching me closely, observing my every move, and seeking to imitate that which they see. May they continually observe, not a mom who thinks she's got it all together . . but a mom who loves them with the kind, patient, humble, persevering LOVE of the Savior. And who shows them how to cry out to Him when she fails.

Ultimately, I pray their hearts will be drawn to God. They will not be drawn to Him if they do not see His Love. No one is ever drawn to Him by anger. It's His Kindness that leads to repentance! (romans 2:4)

I have so far to go in this journey, and yet so little time to learn how to love them well!

Please keep me drawing near to your Heart, Oh God, and remind me again and again that your "Mercies are New every morning", you love me beyond my wildest dreams, and you love my children more than I ever could!! ... It is IN that Love that I must dwell... and trust YOU to grow them into strong, flourishing young men.

May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.

The one who calls you is faithful, and HE will do it.

(1 Thessalonians 5:23-24)