no years resolution

resolutions? nope. don't have any.
don't like making them. too much pressure.
don't like breaking them. too much disappointment.
so instead, i've decided to take it day by day, week by week, and month by month.
my goal this month is to. . . um, come up with some goals. loose ones. nothing hard and fast or set in stone.
my goal this week is to not get the stomach bug from my boys.
and my goal this day is to get this post published on the blog. since, you know, it's 1/2 way through January already.
reachable goals. :)
speaking of which... one thing i am working on overall is my tendency toward perfectionism. i WISH that meant i was too rigidly organized and kept my house too martha stewart clean. but unfortunately i have ugly perfectionism. I'm not Type A, so it doesn't come across neat and clean on the outside, or manifest itself with any good side effects. it's the kind that makes me want to be perfect at just about everything. like... keeping resolutions without breaking them. ......... orrrrr failing in any way.
at anything i set out to do.
i don't even like playing board games. it's too much of a letdown when i lose. pathetic, i know.
you'd think by now i would have realized that being perfect at ANYthing is not a reasonable or in any way realistic goal. turns out you get disappointed frequently when that is the bar you set for yourself. and you probably miss out on a lot of fun in life when you refuse to try new things for fear of failing or looking dumb. it seems that this is an ongoing battle for me, and rather ironically can get very depressing when i look at it as a battle i'm losing (ie, failing at) most of the time.
BUT i am learning. i'm learning to let go, little by little. and God is giving me plenty of opportunities. . . to be comfortable being imperfect me in an imperfect world, married to an imperfect man with whom i've brought forth less than perfect children. we have imperfect neighbors and lovely yet imperfect friends and family. and sometimes it is a lot easier to extend grace to all of them than it is to lavish it upon myself. but i'm learning. and really, that is what life ends up being about... learning from my mistakes, my doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, and even from my failures.
in the classroom i used to say, "life is a lot easier if you can learn from other peoples' mistakes. you don't have to go out and make the same ones just to 'see for yourself'."
and in a lot of ways that's true. but not allowing myself room to make a few mistakes here and there is just stupid. it's going to happen. every. day. i'm going to fail to be the perfect wife, mom, friend, sister and daughter. i'm going to say things i shouldn't, do things i shouldn't, not do things i should, and so are others. and i need to accept that. nobody's perfect, right?
here's the clincher:
God didn't choose to send His son to save the perfect, but the imperfect. He sent Him to take my failures (and by failures i mean sins, not losing a board game) and nail them to the cross, instead of me.
and that's why i love God.
He isn't some pushover who just looks down and says, "aww, that's ok. your selfish attitude toward your spouse and angry words at your children aren't that big of a deal."
Rather, He looks down and sees those things (and so much more) under the blanket of sacrifce His PERFECT Son lay over me. all my weaknesses and failures are paid for. i don't have to beat myself up about them. Jesus was already beaten up on my behalf. only, literally. i don't need to walk under the weight of my own condemnation. i just have to be honest. to confess that He is Perfect and i am not. (why is that so hard? oh yeah. because i'm still imperfect.)
He lived each moment on Earth without making a single mistake. He lived the life (morally) i should live, but can't. And yet He died a sinner's death, for me, the sinner, that i might never die!
He came that i might have life and have it abundantly (John 10:10)! that means richly, fully, unincumbered by condemning thoughts. and if i am FREE from the judgement of God -- then surely i can learn to be free from the judgement of myself (and even others).
and THAT is a resolution worth making... again and again. cuz, let's face it, it's an ongoing process :)