it hurts

christian's at it again with the cute quotations. already this morning he's had me shaking my head in amazement, laughing out loud, and clutching my heart with love so strong it hurts. i have never felt this way about someone. i can't explain what he does to me. it's so different from any other love. perhaps it's because he's not doing anything to impress me or earn my love-- he's just being. perhaps it's his innocence and imagination, so untarnished by any outside thing. perhaps a combination of the fact that i know him so intimately and yet he daily surprises me with new things... and there is a bonding that has intensified everyday since his birth. sometimes i just feel like exploding.

while eating his muffin and drinking his water in his high chair a few minutes ago, he told me (as he often does) that they were going into his mouth, down his throat, and into his tummy. i was standing at the sink and he said, "can you see it? can you see it, mommy?" i looked up and said, "see what?"

"the water inside my tummy..." he was so incredibly sincere.

with a love pang in my heart, i smiled with delight at what his mind must be thinking and picturing.

"no," i replied, and tried to explain that i could only see the outside of his body, not the inside. i fumbled around..."well, i CAN see inside your mouth when you open it like that... but i can't see in your throat and tummy because you can't open those... they're... shut. they don't...open."

he paused. " like the doors on the bus..."

clutch!

a few minutes later he was trying on his new motorcycle helmet from kate and kaila, and asked, "is this the right way?" (since he often puts hats and helmets on backwards... or so i thought that's why he was asking). i told him yes, and then he tilted his head to the side and asked, "is this the left way?"

uh! my heart!

he's also becoming more affectionate, and more comfortable with touch. thanks to willa on vacation, he's learned to hug and even give kisses. last night when kaila came over to play, she touched his arm and he didn't flip out. he even asked her, "may i please have that back?" when she took his toy out of his hand, instead of throwing a fit. i was so proud of him, i could hardly stand it.

now our only major hurdle is separation anxiety-- preschool is 3 weeks away. and i'm not able to even leave the room sometimes without him crying to come with me. he won't even let dave put him to bed. and that's where the intense bond is feeling a little too intense. if he's not ready, he's not ready. and that's ok. i just would love for him to be able to experience that wonderful world of discovery and independence. and at the same time i'm flattered that the feelings are mutual :).