31

i walked by a mirror today as christian was talking to me, and stopped for a moment as I heard the word "Mommy" at the same time that I made eye contact with the girl in the reflection. It was one of those moments that catches you off guard. I stared at her and thought, "wow, that's me. I'M Mommy!" It was as if it hadn't previously dawned on me. ever.

I'm going to be 31 years old tomorrow. I'm married with 2 children. I co-own a house and 2 cars. I'm a grown up! Like, for real. Not just pretending. Not just babysitting. I'm living out what I always dreamed of as a girl. Being a Mommy. But somehow staring at my face for those few moments created a disconnected kind of feeling. Like how can this really be true? I don't know what I'm doing! I'M the Mommy??? This girl staring at me is supposed to be in charge here? Help!

I don't feel old enough to be 31. And yet, I feel like 31 is "old" to be just starting out as a mom. I always imagined having all my kids in my 20's. Not sure what I imagined the 30's to be like. I guess that's the problem. I never really thought that far! And now here I am. Pluggin away at everyday life as a wife and mother. On one hand it feels so natural and deep and better than anything I imagined it to be. On the other hand, I'm not sure what comes next... or how to do all this child rearing stuff. But i suppose no one really does at 31.

The one thing I do know is that I don't want to get swallowed up in just being "Mommy". I want to spend this decade discovering more and more of who I am called to be in each area of my life. And while Mommy is a major area, and one in which I take great delight, it is not solely who i am. it is my role, my assignment, and my privilege...but i am first melissa. God's child and called to find my identity in Him. So thankful for all that 30 has brought and taught me. But looking forward to hopefully a little less 'eventful' year. Loving my husband, caring for my children, and learning to rest in the faithfulness of my Father, as He teaches me how to be His.