Baby Boy Brown is alive and kickin! At 21 weeks he is becoming more and more active in the afternoon and evenings, and is even starting to flip and twirl for his daddy. last night we ate ice cream and watched a movie -- and suddenly there was a tumbling/summersaulting feeling in my belly... stronger than i've previously felt...almost like a flopping fish (only, flopping in circles). . . and then another... i put my hand on my belly and felt the third one from the inside AND the outside! i grabbed dave's hand and hoped for one more-- which, a few seconds later, there was...! It was the miraculous, indescribable moment i've been waiting and waiting for--and yet it just seemed so.... normal...
sometimes i feel like that is how life is. . . you wait and wait for the big moments, and when they happen in real time, they just don't carry the weight you think they will. or they're just not as earth-shattering, mind-blowing, or fulfilling as you dreamed they'd be. or, in the case of the first real "kick", it's not enough. even though it was amazing, it happened so fast. can't we hit "instant replay" or rewind? i just want to feel it again, just once more, so i can have time to truly experience the moment and the feeling... but alas, it has come and gone.
i want to live life pondering the moments in time -- both great and small-- even as they pass by at alarming (or not-so-enthralling) speed. i'm not sure how to do this-- and yet i desperately want to learn.
i watched the movie Juno the other day, and tears filled my eyes when she gave birth, as it began to dawn on my maternal instinct that i would be in that incredibly indescribable, emotion-wrought 'position' approximately 4 months from now. i wonder if that moment will be the one that seems the most profound (like you hear people talk about their most memorable life moment), or if it too will seem strange and fleeting; ungraspable, monumental, yet natural, and too overwhelming to stop and take in.
life is not a movie you get to watch and soak in from the outside. it's not a book that gives you detailed descriptions of feelings and thoughts. it simply IS, and there is no stopping it... kind of like the one growing inside of me. beyond my control. beautiful and complex. profound, yet natural and normal.
the mystery of this child, presently so unknown by us, yet intimately known by God, is a growing, flailing testimony to the fact that life is worth the ride-- and the striving to ponder, dwell in the moment, and soak it all in-- is not just a skill to be learned-- it's a gift to be opened, again and again.
sometimes i feel like that is how life is. . . you wait and wait for the big moments, and when they happen in real time, they just don't carry the weight you think they will. or they're just not as earth-shattering, mind-blowing, or fulfilling as you dreamed they'd be. or, in the case of the first real "kick", it's not enough. even though it was amazing, it happened so fast. can't we hit "instant replay" or rewind? i just want to feel it again, just once more, so i can have time to truly experience the moment and the feeling... but alas, it has come and gone.
i want to live life pondering the moments in time -- both great and small-- even as they pass by at alarming (or not-so-enthralling) speed. i'm not sure how to do this-- and yet i desperately want to learn.
i watched the movie Juno the other day, and tears filled my eyes when she gave birth, as it began to dawn on my maternal instinct that i would be in that incredibly indescribable, emotion-wrought 'position' approximately 4 months from now. i wonder if that moment will be the one that seems the most profound (like you hear people talk about their most memorable life moment), or if it too will seem strange and fleeting; ungraspable, monumental, yet natural, and too overwhelming to stop and take in.
life is not a movie you get to watch and soak in from the outside. it's not a book that gives you detailed descriptions of feelings and thoughts. it simply IS, and there is no stopping it... kind of like the one growing inside of me. beyond my control. beautiful and complex. profound, yet natural and normal.
the mystery of this child, presently so unknown by us, yet intimately known by God, is a growing, flailing testimony to the fact that life is worth the ride-- and the striving to ponder, dwell in the moment, and soak it all in-- is not just a skill to be learned-- it's a gift to be opened, again and again.
1 comment:
yay! i love it! i love you....
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